Pop pundit: How-to for amateurs hoping to land paranormal reality TV gig R

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Pop pundit: How-to for amateurs hoping to land paranormal reality TV gig
November 1, 2011
by Aaron Sagers
The Bellingham Herald

Halloween is over, but ghost hunting is still going strong. Reality programs that feature teams of paranormal investigators have become a fairly profitable sort of butter on the bread of networks. And to be honest, I love them. There's something creepy cool about viewing these guys and gals strike out in ancient, supposedly haunted locations in pursuit of the unexplained on shows like "Ghost Hunters" or "Ghost Adventures."

But the part that is not so exciting, and is all too real, is the fact that ghost hunting has become the du jour avenue for becoming famous. Paranormal TV is a popular genre all year round, and in spooky instances of style over substance, amateur supernatural sleuths are trying to cash in on their investigations to get a ghost TV show more than oiled-up, Tater-Tot brown Jerseyites are trying to get to the "Shore."

With that in mind, now seems like a good time to offer a few (very sarcastic) tips to amateur paranormal pursuers attempting to snag a hit in this popular reality-TV genre.
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-BE A BAD BOY (OR SEXY CHICK). It is essential for modern paranormal investigators to not only search for phenomena, but to be willing to kick its butt. Being a rebel who says what he thinks - while preferably wearing leather and sunglasses -ishow you get great evidence: A ghost or bigfoot is terrified not to talk to you. Likewise, it is best to only have your photo taken in a graveyard. Remember not to smile, though. Showing teeth is a sign of weakness to ghosts and certain wildlife. However, if you're a female,your best investigative tools are your boobs. Show them off. Important tip: Certain synthetic fibers appear translucent on infrared cameras.Capitalize on that. If that does not get you attention from your desired paranormal target, try screaming a lot and running away. Some women recommend standing their ground and not utilizing their bodies during investigations. Those women are communists. Girls, lie about your investigative age. Go young so you don't seem old. No one wants a female with too much maturity and experience when one who giggles can be had. Guys, go old; add three to five years onto whatever time you've actually been investigating. Wear T-shirts that automatically announce to clients and entities alike whether you're a Bad Boy or Sexy Chick, and go for crass over class. (Note to self: Copyright UFO-Hos and The Chupaca-Bros).

-BE A SENSITIVE PSYCHIC/MEDIUM. If you can combine being a bad boy or sexy chick with being a medium,you're probably already on TV and don't need my advice. If you cannot achieve one of those two, just go with being a sensitive psychic/medium. Saying you're a medium allows you to be more special than other people. It is like being able to slam dunk a basketball while shredding to Metallica's "One" and tying a cherry stem into a knot in your mouth - all at once. But unlike those abilities where you have to either accomplish or fail, it's really hard to test mediumship. This tactic allows many faux psychics the chance to appear at events but avoid actually presenting anything to attendees. Be forewarned, though, that there is a trend of everyone claiming to be psychic in the paranormal community. By 2014, psychics and mediums will be the majority; being a non-psychic will be the new(para)normal and as rare on the scene as ethnic and religious diversity.

-ACT LIKE A PSEUDO-CELEB. So you've only appeared on one paranormal program, and it was asa background extra on a YouTube "TV show"? Not a problem. You are astar! Think big and paranormal phenomena will think big of you. Plus,you can likely get an event company to put your headshot (Headshot reminder: graveyards, no smiling, boobs) on a website and sell tickets for a couple hundred bucks. It may be necessary to develop an expertise, but guess what: Your one appearance on "TV" makes you a nexpert on all things paranormal. Still, develop a side expertise, but pick one that cannot be legitimized. For instance, claim you attended an accredited university for parapsychology with a minor in something vague like "telekinetic crypto-botany." If anyone questions your paranormal expertise, respond with an inflated sense of self-importance. You are the preeminent authority on telekineticcrypto-botany, by god - you're entitled to a little respect!Ghosts respond to entitlement - so do unclassified plants that move objects with their minds.

-STOP ENJOYING YOURSELF. You are a modern 2011-2012 paranormal investigator, and no paranormal phenomenon wants to see you having too much fun. Plus, it's probably too boring for your viewers - the same viewers it will ultimately benecessary for you to disdain, FYI. On the big screen, you must no longer watch paranormal movies without dissecting them and announcin gto the community that Peter Venkman made far too many investigative errors when he interacted with Slimer. On the small screen, make an effort to publicly trash investigative TV shows. Even if you have never been associated with the shows, there is a website to substantiate your claims they're faking evidence.

-LOVE A SKEPTIC/HATE ALL SKEPTICS. It is crucial to publicly love skeptics and embrace skepticism.Privately, you must loathe skeptics. They are as much of a natural enemy to a paranormal investigator as "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" is to Paula Deen. The trick to balance this confrontational relationship is to pick one skeptic in the media to be friends with,which then allows you to hate the rest. As previously mentioned, you must hate all investigative shows (except for your own if you're on one). Therefore, if a skeptic focuses his powers of skepticism on a competitor's show, you must love that skeptic. If however, a skeptic questions your show, you might have to feed him to a bear - or trash talk him on Internet radio. Whichever is easiest, really.Additionally, it is imperative to be skeptical and discredit any outside evidence presented to you unless it already supports your work and conclusion on a topic.

-FIND A DEMON AND SOMETIMES RELIGION. Demons are everywhere. They are literally (not literally) hanging out in every location. What's that behind you right now? It could be a chaise lounge, or maybe it's a demon posing as a cozy piece of furniture. It is safe to bet the latter. Despite the soul-rotting agenda, scratches, fecal stench and rage-filled mood swings that accompany hanging out with demons, these fallen angels and evil inhuman entities are just the kind of sexy dangerous damned fellas yo need on an investigation. And ladies, there's a bunch of single incubi out there just waiting to meet a vulnerable gal like you!

Follow these tips, and I guarantee there's a good ghost of a chance that you, too, could end up on paranormal TV any minute.